|Another Journal Entry... another restless night... I just woke up...
someone was crying... and it was me. My skin was clammy, my
breathing shallow, and my hands where shaking uncontroably.
They're still shaking really bad, making it difficalt for me to
type. This is the 3rd time in the past 2 nights... I keep having
flashbacks.. and panic attacks... so bad that I fell like the floor is
moving from out from under me.. near black outs. |
His hands won't stop... insects are crawling over and under my skin...
I can't get it out of my head... He won't leave me alone...
Deadly butterflys... spreading toxins across my flesh... acids
burn through my skin.. into my soul leaving scars on an already
Whispers in my ear hiss unwanted truths."It's your falt. It's your falt. It's your falt." The demons chant.
"Filfth.. trash.. uncleanly in body, soul, mind, and heart... scum of the earth." The demons chant.
Yes, yes, I know I haven't updated in two months, but it's no like anyone really reads this or notices.... *think think* .. so why am I aplogising for not updating? *shrug.. La sigh* Anywhos... I don't really know what to type about... I don't even know if I would want to type at all even if i did have something to type about... I think I'll just post random pictures and tell ya'll the stories behind each one.. how's that sound? ... I'm so glad ya'll agree.
That's mostly everyone in the Brain Gang opening up gifts at X-mas
Foooood! Oddles and oddles of food!
Yummy to the tummy Grandma Pie... 15 pies to be exact.
The leaders of the Brain Gang enjoying the fruits of thier labor.
Grampa always seems to find the most uncomfertable folding chair in the house to nap in.
"Oh Alex tree, oh Alex tree...."
The Mongo thought that he could avoid getting his picture taken by smothering me with a pillow.... Heeheehee.. he thought wrong. *evil grin*
Awwwhhh... sweet little Mutt I love you so much. (O.O' eek! I sound like a sissy! _-_ )
Ok I'm done now.. and if ya'll have already seen these pictures.. and want to complain about it.. ya'll can bite my toshie.
|"NEWS update in the extraordinary life of Sarah!" Ha! "extraordinary"
my fuggly rear. Heads up people. This is going to be a long one. You've
been warned soo anywho.. on ward with the overly late report! |
First on our update agenda ... I gave a pint of blood... and
passed out no more then 15 mins afterwards. I passed out because, I,
the oh so smart one, "forgot" to eat... all day... again. (stamps
"stupid" to forehead)
It happened while I was in my ceramics class. The professor
yelled at me because I'd brought the bottle of juice that they gave me.
He told me that I had to take the bottle out to my car. If he'd asked
nicely I would have been alright it.. be he didn't and I wasn't. The
way he said it.. and the tone of voice he said it in... as if I had
fluffs of cotton between my ears... as if I were beneath him. Needless
to say that didn't sit well with me. I refused to take the bottle out
to the van. My reason being that it was parked out in the far end of
the west parking lot. (we were on the east side) I also pointed out
that the stupid bottle wasn't even open. (left the "stupid" part out)
Mr. Pre-Madonna Diva (the professor) crossed his arms and said
"Regardless". So I take the bottle, chunk it in my art box, glaring at
him all the while, and reply with "Outta sight." I sware he puffed up
like an agitated hen, and stomps off muttering something about
Few minutes later he calls the class together for a
demonstration. I'm watching and listening... my sight starts getting
fuzzy. So lift my hand to fix my contacts only to realize that I'm
wearing my glasses. I gave myself a pep-talk.
"It's alright Sarah. It's just a dizzy spell. It'll pass, but
why Why are my arms so heavy?" Still slightly worried, I placed my hand
on the side of a metal work table behind me hoping that it would stop
soon. It stopped only to be replaced with black spots.
I heard someone yell "CATCH HER! QUICK!". I'm wondering who the
heck they're talking about. I tried to ask but my voice didn't want to
work. I heard them talking, but I couldn't see them. Everything sounded
so odd... as if I were underwater. Someone called the Campus Police and
the Nurse. I'm wrenched out of my underwater world, and found myself
unstably setting in a chair. The officer is asking me for
information. I'm so disorientated that I couldn't remember my home
phone number so I ended up giving him my license and social card. Then
the Pre-Madonna ask me why I didn't tell him I gave blood. I held out
my arm which had a lager neon green bandage. "I thought it was pretty
Then the nurse shows up with a wheel chair. I keep telling
everyone that I'm fine. That all I needed was a little food and just to
sit down for a while. No one believed me and told me that I had to go
with the Nurse. I gave up trying to convince them and started walking
to the door. I was grabbed by the arm and pushed into the wheelchair.
Insisting that I'm not allowed to walk to the clinic. I was kept at the
clinic for an hour and a half before they let me go home. It was very
THE SARAH CONFESSES!
"I , Sarah B., have killed the fifteen year old S.P.O.C.!", over
ridden with guilt, the self condemned murderess collapse into
(For those of you who don't know S.P.O.C, he's that big ugly gray Chevy van.)
I was in a car accident recently. Mainly because I was a stupid
ass. The following is a description of what lead to another episode of
Triple S. (aka "Sarah's Stupid Stunts")
I had just finished up with another job interview. (Which went
really well) I sat in the parking lot for a while afterward
trying to get my excitement under control. My friend Spencer had come
along for the ride. I practicality drowned him with my over bubbly
enthusiasm. Telling him that they made me take a math test. How nervous
I had been. How I tried not to show it. Exsetera.. esetera. After
a few minutes of sitting there I got cold and started the engine. It
was about 5:30... 5:40 ish. I didn't want to take the freeway home
because of the "Quitting time" traffic. So I decided to take the
back roads, but I had to get on to Cooper St. first. (Cooper has 7
lanes. 3 going each way, and one middle turn lane... always busy.) That
would be my first mistake.
We hadn't been more then 5 mins down the street... it happened
so fast... I floored my brakes... but not in time... and I couldn't
swerve.. there wasn't anywhere to swerve to.. I hit the car in front of
me..... hard. My head snapped forward... I hit the steering wheel...it
didn't matter... I had to check on my friend... he said his neck was
sore.. but he'd braced himself so he hadn't hit anything... and then
panic and fear sets in...
First thought: "I almost killed my best friend!"
Second thought: "Oh God! Dad is going to kill me!"
Third thought: "I'm going to kill me.."
I tried to beat everything down... didn't work. I started to
write down plat numbers but it came out so messy. Slightly confused, I
held my hand out... it was shaking really bad. I hadn't even realized
that I was shaking.
Spencer handed my his phone and asked me if I wanted to call my
Dad to let him know. I nodded, took the phone, and dialed. In my mind I
was going threw
what exactly I should say... one ring.... what I should do...
two rings... I what I shouldn't... "Hello?" All my perfectly
worded sentences and personal restraints I'd set for myself flew to
"Daddy, I just had a car wreck. I'm sorry Daddy." I choked
out... I could fell tears burning my eyes.. I'd told myself I would not
cry.. I couldn't... by my own rules I wasn't allowed to.
"Where are you?"
"I'm on my way there, Sweetie. It'll be alright."
"... I got the job." That's all I could say.. I sounded so
pathetic... I wanted to beat myself. "Why the hell did you say that?!
It's not going to change anything Sarah. You've fucked up... you fucked
up real good."
"It's ok Sweetheart. I'm almost there."
"Ok Daddy." ... and I hung up.
I was trapped for a moment in a blind daze.... I gave the
phone back to Spencer who was still sitting in the passenger set... I
told him he should call his parents too.. got out of the van... and
shut the door.
A police officer come up to me..
He asked if I was alright...
I said "Yes."
he asked if my friend was alright...
I said "Yes."
He asked if I had proof of insurance...
I said "Yes."
He asked if I need a tow truck... I looked S.P.O.C. again...
There was no way poor S.P.O.C. was going to be able to make it
out of there on his own. His face was smashed in.... his eyes gouged
out... his front bumper had fallen off... his hood was deformed
sealed shut... he was hissing and spitting sparks... He wasn’t
going any where.
I looked back at the officer and I said. "Yes..."
I don’t really remember much after that... a few tid bits here and
there.. writing down information for something or another...
trying not to cry.... and beating myself up over and over.... that’s
Ok I’m done now....
|I really should be sleeping right now, but I can't. I figured it was
well past time for me to update this silly thing. *shrug* Better then
sitting around sleepless in my room. The problem thought, is what do I
talk about first? With the good or the bad? The happy or the sad? The
questions or the fears? (O.O Freak of nature! That sounds so...
so... sissy-ish! Blah! _-_, )|
Looks like another pointless posting people... just like the last one... Ugh!
I CAN'T THINK ABOUT WHAT I SHOULD, AND I CAN'T STOP THINKING ABOUT...
ABOUT... "BUTTERFLYS"! I CAN'T SORT WHAT NEEDS TO BE SORTED! AND
I MISS MS. LAPSIS! I CAN'T COPE!
.... I need a hair tie... or two...
I think I should just grab the mutt, and go stare at nothing in general. Music would be good too.
As I sit here on the floor
I watch your lifeless body,
Waiting for you to wake up,
Waiting for you to take the breath that will never come,
Waiting for you to look at me with those big blue eyes and purr.
But your small body is as still and limp
I hear a someone crying,
A sound of agonizing pain
I look around,
There is no one else
It is the sound of my grief.
My eyes are flooding,
But I still see
What is this that I see?
All of your sweet beauty
All of your wondrous glory
"Sweet Ms. Lapsis, please don't go."
"You mean so much to us."
Why don't you believe me?
Oh God, I can't believe what I'm seeing
I knew this day would come,
I thought I would be ready to let you go,
But now that the day has arrived
I can't believe this it really here
You're no longer with me
Happy and alive
This is the hardest thing,
It hurts so much,
I can't stop this pain inside,
I've gone numb.
Rest in Peace
My dear sweet Ms. Lapsis
Ms. Lapis Lazlu Larilie
1991 - 2005
(Died October 28th at 7:14am )